A woman on the road… towards where?

A woman on the road… towards where?

I want to share with you what makes me feel constantly on a journey, a typical phrase from personal development, but what does it really mean, what journey, and… to go where?

I am a 48-year-old woman, and I have two wonderful daughters aged 19 and 17. Just by mentioning these few numbers, I am filled with various emotions. At once very proud, I often say that my children are my greatest achievement in life. I absolutely loved all these years spent with them, fully playing my role as a mother, experiencing beautiful moments of complicity and bursts of laughter. But also running around, managing doctor’s appointments, swimming, volleyball, climbing, visiting friends, grocery shopping, and housekeeping, handling homework, and working 4 days out of 5, engaging in sports, and… yes, everything at full throttle! I was mostly alone with them since they were 3 and 1 year old. As they were little, we decided that I would have custody, and just one evening a week and every other weekend at their dad’s… so yes, looking back, these were wonderful years, and yet emotionally it was challenging for me.

Complicated because the man I loved, with whom I had been since school and my twenties, who made me laugh, whom I had married and with whom I had two beautiful babies, decided to do without me… just like that… and mostly because he had met someone else. So, the nice, devoted girl who had never thought too much about her life and life in general got a big shock. In a few seconds, a chasm opened under my feet, and faster than a volcano eruption, I lost confidence and self-esteem, and even hearing that I had “nothing to blame myself for,” how not to feel guilt, shame, anger, injustice, sadness? And to find myself lying on the floor in my daughter’s room while they were away, shedding all the tears of my body… During those moments, I sincerely believed that I wouldn’t be able to climb back up, resurface, be happy again… At that time, I wasn’t in therapy, nor was I practicing Tantra… nothing at all in terms of self-work. But being there for my children made the most sense in my life, so I gave my all there… and I continued, and I struggled… not so much on the surface, but underneath, way underneath, in the corners of my body, my heart, my soul, it was tough… because I didn’t know what to do with these emotions, they could overwhelm me. So, for the sake of ease, I built a little house of bricks around my heart, you know, the one that resists the big bad wolf the best, so I felt safe!

 

And I continued to journey through life and make connections like that… with my wound and all my emotions tightly locked in my brick house, thinking it would work. So yes, it worked for a while because survival was necessary, and it was my defense mechanism, so I thank it for playing its role… but bricks are heavy, and gradually, I no longer knew where I had put the keys! It can be said that for years, I wasn’t really on a journey towards myself, but I was doing neighborhood rounds and returning home to familiar, almost comfortable territory.

I was fortunate to have wonderful friends with whom I exchanged a lot, talked, and laughed over a drink, and I thank them from the bottom of my heart. Then the girls grew up, I aged a bit… and life presented me with the opportunity to attend individual therapy sessions. I can say that I really enjoyed those moments, talking about myself, being listened to, supported, heard, it felt good. I left each session much better than I had arrived, finally taking time for myself and gradually understanding, making connections, and lightening my burdens. I recommend everyone to see a therapist; it’s simply a matter of lifestyle hygiene! And my mind is happy and satisfied! It loves to understand, be right, and have precision in words so much! The only “catch” is that the emotions locked inside me were just waiting to resurface, again, and again, and again, and it still hurt just as much… so even though I had understood everything, hadn’t I?

 

Then my encounter with Karl led me onto the path of Tantra. And there, my life changed, quite simply. But what precisely, Céline? Well, I found myself in practices where emotions came knocking at my door again. Because life consistently serves us situations that repeat themselves until we are willing to truly look at them. The invitation of Tantra is to feel these emotions in the body and let them express themselves fully, to experience them with complete confidence and compassion, in a secure framework. This brings about liberation and transformation to put these emotions in service of life.

So, I hit cushions, I cried out all my sadness from lost love, I screamed out all my rage from betrayal, I let the guilt of not being able to keep my husband, the shame of not providing a stable parental couple for my children, flow… Raaaaaa! And not all at once, because you have to go layer by layer, like peeling an onion, they say… The gift that came after was that there was once again space in my body and in my heart to place beautiful things, joy, and love. And the bonuses include feeling energy flowing more freely within me and being able to meet myself. For me, this means truly meeting myself with authenticity, welcoming the beautiful person that I am, being kind to myself, supporting myself and supporting my inner child when she needs it, and loving myself.

It also involves seeing and recognizing those parts of me that still cause suffering, with which I don’t feel entirely in harmony, and that make my relationships with others not always smooth, and taking responsibility. My responsibilities, in fact… For example, realizing that I can sometimes be the cause of a relational conflict with my partner just because I want to be right. Acknowledging that I am not always a victim of the other who never does what is right… Also, recognizing that I hate being directed or commanded, even though I generally come across as a good follower, and fearing being dominated by the other makes me take control over them by being rebellious and controlling. So, I can delve into these points (among others) with the help of my therapist. And take responsibility for making clear requests, naming when I need to be in a relationship, or taking time for myself, talking about myself, my feelings, and my truth. Taking responsibility for my emotions – the other doesn’t provoke them; it’s me who feels what I feel in a situation, probably a reminiscence of a childhood wound playing out there.

 

And little by little, I traverse my life’s journey. My path? It’s the one that leads me to know myself better and better, to understand who I am, what I want and don’t want, what brings me joy and makes me sad, what makes me vibrate, without seeking perfection, just to be. And I sincerely believe that it’s the work of a lifetime.

Because yes… I am a 48-year-old woman, very proud of the time passed and my children, and also approaching the infamous fifties… And now, I know. I KNOW that I will spend the next 50 years (!) continuing this journey of self-discovery to be more and more often in Love. I KNOW that life will still present me with plenty of sorrows to navigate, pains, conflicts, mourning… and that I will find the resources to go through them, to be present with my emotions and give them space. I KNOW that I want to continue practicing Tantra for myself, to feel alive, deeply connected to myself, grounded, powerful, until the end, because there’s no need for grand movements to be close to one’s heart. I KNOW that as long as I can, I will serve others, men and women on their own journeys, like you, to help each person shed light and awareness on the parts of themselves still in the shadows, so that everyone can meet themselves and be more and more often in Love. And to dance, sing, vibrate, laugh, cry, jump, celebrate.

Céline

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